


Elements In The Air

by amethystfox



Series: I Could Live a Little More [16]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Dom/sub, Friends to Lovers, Jazzaniga, Jealousy, M/M, Mertonghen, Oral Sex, POV: Dries, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Tobertens, and introducing - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:00:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28435779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amethystfox/pseuds/amethystfox
Summary: November 2019Something about the look in Toby's eyes made something inside of Dries twist uncomfortably; he had been doing his best not to think about this, the looming awkwardness between them, to pretend that everything was fine.But everything wasn't fine.
Relationships: Dries Mertens/Jan Vertonghen, Dries Mertens/Toby Alderweireld, Paulo Gazzaniga/Jan Vertonghen
Series: I Could Live a Little More [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621807
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Elements In The Air

**Author's Note:**

> This piece takes place the night following the events of [Abbracciame](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23344639), so make sure you've read that one first! It also references events from [Any Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22539931), [I'll Continue to Continue to Pretend](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25511704/chapters/61894285), and [Crazy For You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25774003/chapters/62598001).

November 2019  
London

Dries picked his head up off the pillow and propped his chin up on his folded arms. Jan and Paulo were completely out still; their breathing was steady and clearly audible in the quiet. But something had kept Dries from drifting off along with them, something that had nagged at him, tugging him back out of the sleepy afterglow that had almost claimed him. He spared a glance at Jan's face, smiling at how soft and sweet he looked like this, sound asleep and nestled in Paulo's arms.

But on their other side Dries could just see Toby, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. Something about the look in his eyes made something inside of Dries twist uncomfortably; he had been doing his best not to think about this, the looming awkwardness between himself and Toby, to pretend that everything was fine.

But everything wasn't fine.

Dries bit down on his lip, let the flare of pain make him bold, and before he could lose his nerve he heard himself say, "Toby?"

There was a sharp breath from the other side of the bed-- Toby clearly hadn't realised that Dries was awake. Then, a heartbeat later, "Yes?"

His voice was casual, nonchalant, but Dries knew better. He had seen the way Toby had looked at him, had watched him and Jan together. Dries made himself take a deep breath before answering. "Are you okay?"

"Sure," Toby replied, a little too quickly. Dries stayed silent in response, let the pause stretch out. He could almost feel the exact moment when Toby decided that he had to say something else. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Dries lifted his head, enough for Toby to be able to see him, and took his time before answering. "I just… wasn't sure how you would feel, is all. About me being here."

Toby scoffed. "You're my friend, of course I'm happy you came to visit--"

"No," Dries cut him off. "I mean… about me being _here._ In bed with Jan."

This time the silence stretched out even longer, long enough for Dries to need to steal another glance across at him to be sure that Toby was still awake. He could hear how Toby's breathing had changed, could almost feel how tense he was.

"I…" Toby's voice came out as a croak at first, and he had to stop and swallow rather hard before he could go on. "When did you know?"

The jump in the flow of the conversation didn't even surprise him, not really. He had known Toby for years, knew only too well how insightful he was, how quickly he could read and understand any given situation, had always enjoyed the challenge of keeping up with him when he would make these intuitive leaps. Dries let out a long breath before he finally answered. "Few years ago."

Toby sighed. "Didn't mean to let on."

"I know," Dries said gently. "You never do."

Toby let out a soft, indignant huff. "But you can read me anyway, can't you?"

"Maybe," answered Dries, unable to keep a mischievous flirt out of his voice. It was just force of habit, almost instinct, but this wasn't the moment for it. He bit his lip again, annoyed at himself.

"Is that why you stopped with him?"

Dries's breath caught in his throat. He didn't particularly want to answer that question, since the honest answer was yes. Yes, Dries had cut off his relationship with Jan three years ago, following his discovery of Toby's feelings for Jan, but if he was going to try to find a way to span the breach that had opened up between them in the years since then, he had a feeling that coming right out and telling Toby so, that he had been even indirectly responsible for Dries and Jan separating, would prove to be counterproductive.

He licked his lips, his mind racing. "Does it matter?"

Another sigh. "I didn't--"

He was cut off abruptly by Paulo stirring between them, his dark brow creasing as he mumbled something in his sleep and turned slightly, nestling even closer to Jan. They both froze, automatically wanting to avoid waking either of the men asleep between them. Dries saw Toby's eyes flick towards him, then towards the door, and Dries nodded. He slipped silently off the bed and out of the room, not bothering to verify whether Toby was following behind him.

Dries landed heavily on the couch with a sigh and finally glanced up. Toby had paused long enough to slip into his shorts again, and was now stood in the middle of Paulo's living room, his eyes sad in a way Dries wasn't used to seeing from him.

Dries patted the seat next to him, a tentative smile on his face, ignoring the implication that hung over the fact that he was now the only one who was naked. Toby sat gingerly, not meeting his eyes.

"I should've talked to you as soon as I got involved with Jan again," Dries said in a rush, half afraid that if he hesitated he wouldn't be able to get the words out at all. "I'm sorry."

Toby opened his mouth, but was evidently caught off guard. "What? Why?"

Dries rubbed his forehead, feeling like everything was getting mixed up. He hadn't really meant to lead with that, but it had felt important to say. "I just… I knew how you felt about him. Even before then. And I never wanted to hurt you."

Toby was quiet for a moment, studying his hands. "I never meant for anyone to know," he admitted finally. "Not even Jan. I thought…" He bit his lip. "I thought it would be too… well, I thought it would just cause problems."

Dries frowned. "Did keeping it quiet really cause fewer problems, in the end?"

Toby's head snapped up and he opened his mouth, but the retort that Dries could plainly see he wanted to deliver appeared to die in his throat. "I suppose not."

"It's okay for you to be selfish sometimes," Dries said gently. "We all love you too much to want to see you hurting."

"So that's why you broke it off with Jan, before? You didn't want to hurt me?"

Dries sighed. He should have known he couldn't avoid answering this question. "I… well, I couldn't…"

"I didn't want that either, you know," Toby said, sounding oddly defeated. "I just wanted Jan to be happy."

"I know," Dries said quietly. "But I couldn't stand it, knowing that being with him was hurting you."

Toby blinked at him. "Honestly, I never really thought I had a chance with him, even before I found out about you two." He shrugged awkwardly.

Dries frowned. "Why not? Jan told me about that time he got you to spank him. Didn't that suggest… something?"

Toby shook his head stubbornly. "I never assumed that meant anything, he just needed someone and I was… handy." There was just the faintest tinge of bitterness in his voice.

"Did you ask him about it?" Dries said softly.

Toby shook his head again. "I didn't think there was any point," he said, his voice thick. "Why… I mean, why would he…" 

He broke off, swallowing hard, and on impulse Dries reached over and rested his hand on top of Toby's. He half expected Toby to pull away, but instead he slipped his thumb up the side of Dries's hand, just enough to show that he accepted the touch. 

"If the rest of that sentence is 'why would he want me' I'm going to bite you," Dries said mildly, feeling a surge of relief when Toby let out a surprised giggle. "You can't have any doubts about how much he wants you _now_ though, can you?"

Toby scrubbed a hand across his face. "Well, no," he admitted. "But back then I didn't have any idea. If he was attracted to me then, he certainly never showed it. I spent months agonising over whether I should let him know how I felt, and just when I made up my mind to tell him…"

"You found out about us?"

The only answer Dries got to that was a long, quavering sigh. He squeezed Toby's hand, wishing he dared hug him, but if Toby preferred to have space, then he wasn't about to push.

"Didn't want to get in the way," Toby mumbled. "Didn't want to cause problems."

"It doesn't work like that," Dries said, as gently as he could. "You think either of us wanted you to spend all this time suffering in silence?"

Toby shook his head miserably.

"I figured it out, and if Jan were any less oblivious then he would've too. I wish he had." Dries shook his own head, tasting the bitterness of regret in his mouth. "I wish I'd told him. Maybe I could have saved us all a couple of years of being apart when we didn't have to be."

"You would've done that for me?" Toby looked almost surprised, his eyes full of doubt. "Why?"

Without thinking Dries dragged Toby's hand up to his lips and bit him lightly on the thumb. He let go with a laugh when Toby yelped and yanked his hand away, looking indignant for a moment before he gave in and laughed along with Dries.

"Any time I hear you selling yourself short, that's what you get," he said with mock severity. "You're my friend, you big lug. I want you to be happy. You _deserve_ to be happy."

"I guess," said Toby with a sigh. "It's hard to accept that, sometimes. Feels... I don't know, selfish."

"You're allowed to be selfish sometimes," Dries repeated. "It's sweet that you wanted Jan to be happy, but trying to sacrifice yourself for him was never going to make him happy, you know? He loves you too much for that."

"He doesn't love me," Toby mumbled, blushing. "Not… not like that. Not like he loves you."

Dries opened his mouth to insist that _obviously_ Jan did in fact love him, but he choked on it. Just because it was obvious to _him_ didn't mean that it was obvious to Toby-- or to Jan. He had a feeling that pushing too much on this point wouldn't do any of them any good.

"Well, whether he does or not, there's still no way he would want you making yourself miserable over him," he said instead, squeezing Toby's hand again. "So no more bottling up your feelings, okay?"

Toby gave him a weak smile. "I'll try."

"Good." Dries smiled suddenly, remembering something. "You know… when Jan first told me that he was seeing someone, I was so sure it was going to be you," he said, a little wistfully.

"Really?"

Dries nodded. "I hoped it would be you, actually," he confessed with a grin. "Don't get me wrong, I adore Paulo, but I was awfully let down when he told me it wasn't you."

"Did you actually ask him if it was me?" Toby blanched.

"Of course not. I didn't have any idea if he had found out how you felt about him, I just… hoped."

Toby smiled at that, just a little, but it was still as if the sun had abruptly come out from behind a cloud. He looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he coughed and blushed again.

"By the way," Dries continued. "I wanted to thank you."

"For what?" Toby blinked at him, looking puzzled.

"For sticking up for me when everything blew up last month," was the answer, and to Dries's delight Toby blushed even further. "It really meant a lot to me that you'd do that, even with our history."

Toby tucked his chin down against his chest, shifting awkwardly in place. "I just… it wasn't right," he finished lamely. "No big deal."

"It was a big deal to me," Dries said softly, slipping a knuckle under Toby's chin to try to get him to look up. "Did you really yell at Jan?"

Toby smiled in spite of himself, and his eyes flickered up to meet Dries's. "A little bit."

"You darling man," Dries purred, fondly pressing his forehead to Toby's and rubbing their noses together. "I could kiss you."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth he wished he could snatch them back; he didn't particularly want to push Toby past his comfort level. This conversation was a good start, but…

He pulled back reluctantly, wanting to let Toby have his space, but to his surprise Toby reached up suddenly, and his hand was so soft and warm against Dries's cheek that he thought he would melt. A flash of blue eyes meeting his briefly, then dropping to study Dries's lips, and suddenly Dries couldn't get enough oxygen when he breathed in.

"What's stopping you?" Toby murmured.

Now Dries couldn't breathe at all. "Toby…" he whispered. 

"Dries," Toby breathed back, and then their lips met, just the softest brush together. If Toby said anything else, it was drowned out by the pounding of Dries's heart thundering in his ears. He slipped his arms around Toby's neck, felt himself melt into Toby's warmth, finding his lips again.

Before he quite knew it he found himself sitting in Toby's lap, cuddled into his chest, running the pads of his fingers lightly over the tattoos that beautifully adorned Toby's skin, completely lost in the kiss.

It was one of the sweetest kisses he had ever had, full of tender affection rather than an immediate flare-up of heated desire. This was _Toby,_ his friend, and for once Dries had absolutely no idea what was going to happen. He had never even entertained the thought that Toby would want anything to do with him, not when it was just the two of them, and that meant he wasn't at all prepared for this. He wasn't used to this level of uncertainty; usually he was the one leading the way when it came to exploring things with someone new.

But Toby didn't seem to share his uncertainty. His hands roamed freely over Dries's bare skin, rubbing his back, trailing down his arms, cupping his face, carding through his hair. Dries shivered when Toby dragged a fingernail up the length of his spine, caught up in the excitement, the novelty of it all. He felt mesmerised, hypnotised by Toby's touch, the heat of his body, and it made him uncharacteristically passive; he found himself wanting to let Toby take over, do anything he pleased.

And Toby seemed to sense it, too. He cradled Dries's face in his hands as he deepened the kiss, slowly exploring Dries's mouth, making him see stars. _Is this how Paulo makes Jan feel?_

He realised he was making soft noises, almost whimpering into Toby's mouth. He wasn't quite sure why, but he couldn't seem to stop. He pressed as close to Toby as he could, wanting to touch as much of his skin as possible, though it burned.

He was so absorbed that he didn't even notice Toby hardening under him until Toby's hands found their way to his hips, pulling insistently. Dries tried to gasp, but it was muffled in _him,_ it felt like he was being swallowed up by Toby, Toby, Toby…

"Toby," he moaned, feeling his body respond, his ass grinding down against Toby seemingly of its own volition. God, Toby felt so big against him, Dries's world had been reduced to this, all he wanted to do was to let Toby do whatever he liked with him, to just _yield--_

"What's this?" 

A voice tried to cut through the fog, but the spell was too strong, one of Toby's hands had found his dick, and the warmth of that contact was making Dries lose his mind, Toby's other hand had gotten tangled in his hair…

But it was enough to break the spell for Toby. He pulled his mouth away from Dries's with a guilty flush. "Nothing, sir," he mumbled, embarrassed.

Dries let out a soft whine, trying to chase Toby's lips, but Toby let him go, shifted him back off of his lap again, much to Dries's dismay.

"I didn't say you have to stop," Paulo said mildly. Dries managed to pry one eye open enough to glance over at where Paulo was leaning against the frame of his bedroom door, looking like a replay of last night, long and lean in just a pair of boxers that looked like they were painted on. The sight of him standing there came as close as anything could to distracting him from Toby right now, but even the memory of last night's progress in his ongoing seduction of Paulo couldn't quite break his trance.

"Don't stop," Dries breathed. "Please…"

"Go on, _liefje,"_ Paulo murmured. "Give him what he want."

Toby obeyed him with alacrity, leaning over to kiss Dries again for what felt like an eternity before finally pulling Dries back into his lap. Somewhere during that space of time, though, Toby's shorts had disappeared, and when Dries came to rest, it was with the tip of Toby's cock nudging between his cheeks, hot and impossibly slick.

"Is this what you want?" Toby said in his ear, his voice pitched so low that it made the hair stand up on Dries's arms.

"You… just want you," sighed Dries, wiggling in Toby's strong arms, trying to sink down on him, but Toby was holding him fast, his iron grip preventing Dries from getting what he wanted. _"Please,_ Toby."

Toby's answering chuckle was dark, intoxicating, for just an instant before he sealed his lips back against Dries's and relaxed his hold on Dries, letting him sink down on him. A ragged moan tore itself loose from Dries's throat as Toby's dick pushed into him, the sound of it completely devoured by Toby's hungry kiss. He adjusted his position so that his knees were settled on either side of Toby's hips, intending to give himself leverage to ride Toby, but Paulo was suddenly there next to them, he was whispering to Toby, and then Toby's hands were on his waist, and any illusion of control Dries might have had slipped away when Toby began to bounce him in his lap, up and down on his cock, not allowing Dries even the slightest say in the pace or intensity of it.

Dries didn't care. Toby's cock was inside him, Toby's tongue was in his mouth, and nothing else seemed to exist, nothing else could begin to compete. Toby's thrusts were causing explosions behind his eyes, and his arms didn't seem to be interested in cooperating with him any further, all they could do was cling to Toby's neck, holding on for dear life while Toby drove into him mercilessly.

He felt Toby stand up with Dries in his arms-- without slowing his rhythm, somehow-- and then he was pressing Dries down into the sofa, and the change in the angle was too much. Toby slammed against his prostate and then he was coming, or maybe he was dying, but it felt too good for him to care much which. "Fuck," he gasped. "Toby…"

A shaky gasp was the only answer he got. He managed to crack one eye open just enough to meet Toby's gaze-- only for a split second, though, before Toby arched his back and dropped his head back, wrapping his arms around Dries's raised legs and letting out a deep groan. Dries answered him with vaguely blissful sounds, coming down from his peak just as Toby reached his.

"Oh, God," Dries sighed when he could breathe again, feeling Toby still pulsing inside him. _"Toby."_

Toby leaned forward again so that he could rest his weight on his arms planted on either side of Dries and gave him a sweet, sleepy smile. "Hi," he mumbled.

"Hi yourself," Dries replied, grinning at how lovely and soft Toby was like this. "C'mere."

Toby obediently lowered his head, let Dries wind his fingers into his hair, let Dries tug him closer still, close enough to to find his lips again.

"Toby," he murmured, again and again, trying to hold him close, not wanting him to pull away, slip out of him and back into the awkwardness between them again. He kissed Toby with greater desperation now than he had at first, eager to prove that this was real, that this meant something.

Certainly Toby's eyes were a great deal softer now than they had been earlier, not so… fragile, and the tension Toby had carried when he was around Dries seemed to have dissipated. But he still pulled away, still untangled himself from Dries's embrace, started to get up from the couch-- _maybe just to get cleaned up,_ Dries thought wistfully, _maybe--_ but when Toby broke the kiss and lifted his head, he stopped suddenly, sucking in a quick breath. Dries turned to follow his gaze and felt his mouth drop open in surprise.

Paulo was across the room, pinning Jan up against the wall, one massive thigh between Jan's legs, his mouth on Jan's neck. Jan wasn't looking at Paulo, though. He was staring directly at Dries, his eyes hot and his face unreadable.

Dries wet his lips, trying to find his voice, but Toby beat him to it. "Hi, Jantje," he said, his voice husky and soft as he sat back on his heels. "Did we wake you up?"

"As if I could sleep through that," Jan grumbled. "Never heard Dries make noises like _that_ before." A moment later he yelped indignantly. "Sorry, sir," he muttered, a trace of sullenness in his voice.

Dries sat up suddenly, feeling a flutter in his stomach. Was Jan actually… jealous? "Was I being louder than normal?"

Next to him he could feel Toby squirm in embarrassment, and Dries reached for him, unable to stop himself from pulling Toby close again, kissing him with an eagerness that was… well, not _caused_ exactly, but at least _informed_ by the awareness of Jan's jealousy. He heard a soft growl from Jan, followed by a louder one in Paulo's deep rumble.

"Louder than you are with me," Jan grumbled, and Dries shivered against Toby in delight.

He pulled back from Toby reluctantly, grinning at how sweet he looked, blushing from head to toe and peeking over at Jan and Paulo, biting his lip as if he wasn't sure what to do or say. "That's how amazing you are," he said softly, for Toby's ears only. "Made me feel things I've never…"

Surprisingly, rather than blush even further-- not that that would have been possible, really-- or pull away, Toby reached for him again, pulled Dries into his lap, took Dries's chin in his hand, and kissed him. It didn't burn this time, didn't reignite the fire inside him, the one that had so completely stripped him of any desire to do anything other than yield to Toby. Instead it was sweet again, as soft and tender as the first moment their lips had met.

Vaguely he was aware of Jan and Paulo talking in the background, but the actual words were lost in the haze that enveloped him when he was in Toby's arms. He thought it sounded like they were almost arguing, though he couldn't be sure. The voices faded soon enough, though, and Dries let himself drift back into focusing solely on Toby, the touch of his hands on Dries's skin delicious and utterly intoxicating.

A whimper caught his attention again before long, though, and he came up for air long enough to turn and look at Jan and Paulo again-- and he nearly fell off of Toby's lap.

Paulo had turned Jan around now so that his face was pressed against the wall, Jan's legs were spread and Paulo was stood between them, _god,_ Paulo was fucking him right there. Jan's face was still turned towards Dries, his eyes still locked onto him and Toby. He stared at them with dark, narrowed eyes, even as he rocked back against Paulo, who had his mouth on the thick muscle of Jan's shoulder, not paying the slightest bit of attention to Dries or Toby.

"God," Dries muttered, half-awed as he watched Paulo thrust into Jan. He'd watched them together before, of course, but not like this, not while he was in someone else's arms, not with that kind of intense, lustful fury written on Jan's face. It made him shiver and press against Toby, almost wishing that he could get him hard again so soon, suddenly eager to have Toby inside him while they watched Paulo fucking Jan against the wall.

Toby wrapped his arms around Dries, lips finding his throat, teeth grazing lightly over the soft skin, and it was Dries's turn to whimper, tipping his head against Toby's shoulder.

"Fuck," he heard Jan snarl, and Dries lifted his head again to see that Jan was clenching his fists against the wall. "Sir, please, I can't… I have to…"

"He's not yours," Paulo rumbled, slamming into Jan almost brutally hard. "You know he's not."

"But I love him," Jan whined. "I need…"

_"No,"_ Paulo snapped, spanking Jan sharply with one hand. "Now be still."

"Yes, sir," Jan muttered sullenly, glaring at them again. Dries very deliberately kept his eyes on Jan's, even as he slid one hand through Toby's hair, letting out a sigh when Toby took his earlobe between his teeth. He could feel Toby's dick beginning to stir, though it would probably be a bit before he would really be ready to go again. He squirmed purposefully, rubbing his ass right up against Toby, making him groan softly.

"Dries…" Jan's voice wasn't much more than a whisper, the anger on his face starting to give way to something sad, and suddenly Dries was seized by a need to go to him.

"Be right back," he murmured to Toby, gently untangling himself from those gorgeous, tattooed arms, sliding off his lap with one last kiss. He was unsteady on his feet for a moment, but he ignored it and made his way over to where Paulo was still steadily pounding Jan up against the wall. He couldn't look at Jan's eyes as he approached; there was something in them now that was too raw to look at.

He stepped right up and stretched an arm up to tap Paulo gently on the shoulder. "Excuse me," he said sweetly, beaming when Paulo lifted his head from Jan's neck, one eyebrow arched at him. Dries had to stand on tiptoe to whisper in Paulo's ear, even when the towering Argentine bent his head.

Paulo snorted with amusement, but he obligingly pulled Jan away from the wall, wrapping an arm around Jan's chest to support him. Dries slipped into the space in front of Jan, still not meeting his eyes, and sank to his knees without preamble, wrapping first his hand and then his lips around Jan's dick, humming happily as he slid it slowly further and further into his mouth and down his throat.

"Kitten," Jan gasped. "I need… please…"

"What do you need?" Paulo growled, not slowing his pace in the slightest.

"I-I want to fuck him, sir, _please…"_

"No," Paulo said in a hard tone. "Take what you've been given, or Dries can go sit down again."

Dries shivered, but pulled his head back until only the tip of Jan's dick was resting on his lips. He looked up, finding Jan's eyes, dark with desire and boring back into his. It was too intense; Dries could feel a flicker of _something_ inside him, something akin to his desire to yield to Toby, something he wasn't quite sure how to feel about. So he opened his eyes comically wide, let his lips curve into a grin around Jan's cock, and winked.

It worked. Jan burst out laughing just as Dries opened his mouth to let Jan slide over his tongue again, the laughter became gasping moans instead, and then Jan was spilling over his tongue, spurts of cum hitting the back of his throat. Dries gave a happy little noise as his mouth filled with Jan's release, swallowing and licking his lips as Jan sagged back against Paulo.

He got to his feet, dropped a quick kiss on Jan's chest, and slipped away, feeling pleased with himself. He glanced back over his shoulder to watch Paulo pin Jan to the wall to resume fucking him, relishing the little whimpers he could hear coming from Jan.

When he reached the couch, though, and turned to look at Toby, a wave of heat swept over him and he stumbled, nearly falling forward on top of Toby-- who caught him neatly and gently moved him back into his lap, once again sliding his dick up between Dries's cheeks, hard as a rock and already covered in a fresh condom and lube.

"Yes?" Toby whispered.

"Yes," Dries whispered back, melting into him, lowering himself down onto Toby, kissing him, eager to let him taste Jan in his mouth.

Later, after they had all exhausted themselves and retired to the bed again, Dries made a point of snuggling close to Jan once Toby and Paulo had drifted off to sleep. "Are you okay?" he asked gently, feeling a bit of deja vu. He stroked Jan's sweaty hair back from his forehead, kissed him lightly on the temple.

Jan sighed. "I'm not sure," he admitted. He started to say something else, but had to stop and swallow hard. "I'm… not really proud of how I acted out there."

"What do you mean?" Dries thought he knew the answer, but he still wanted to hear it.

Jan closed his eyes. "I came out, and saw you with Toby, and I--- I lost my head," he confessed in a rough voice. "I wanted to come and grab you away from him, fuck you myself. I know that's not…" He trailed off and bit his lip.

"You've never really seen me with someone else, have you?" Dries mused softly. Despite the years that he had been involved with Lorenzo, Jan had never actually watched them together, and while Dries had sent plenty of pictures over the years of himself in bed with Lore and various other people, they were always of the snuggles after the sex.

"No, I haven't."

"You know I love you," Dries reminded him, nuzzling at his neck. "I always will."

"Do you?" Jan whispered, looking at Dries with vulnerable eyes. "It just seemed like… I mean, Toby…"

"You know better than that," Dries said, pinching him. "What on earth does me sleeping with Toby have to do with whether I love you?"

"I don't know," Jan mumbled miserably. "I just… got scared, I guess." He closed his eyes again, burying his face against Dries's shoulder.

"My poor Jantje," Dries breathed, combing his fingers through Jan's hair. "You don't have to be scared, I promise."

"Even if Toby's a better fuck than I am?"

Dries pinched him again. "Come on, Groot. You know I don't compare-- and even if I did, it still wouldn't make me want you any less."

Jan sighed. "I guess," he said in a small voice. "I just heard how loud you were with him and I just thought… what if you started to prefer him to m-me…"

"Never happen," Dries said firmly. "Toby's my friend, and yes, it was amazing with him, and I love him the way I love all my friends, but I am _in love_ with you, and nothing's ever going to change that."

Jan's eyes softened, and he reached for Dries the way a drowning man might reach for a life preserver. They kissed for a long time after that, slow, almost sleepy kisses. It didn't make Dries see stars the way Toby's hungry kisses earlier had done, but Dries wouldn't have traded these moments with Jan for anything in the world.

"I love you," Jan breathed, again and again. "I love you so much."

"Can I tell you something?" Dries asked, a good while later, after they had resumed snuggling, staying awake just to enjoy the feeling of skin against skin.

"Anything."

"It was… kind of scary," Dries whispered, admitting out loud something that he had hardly even admitted to himself.

Jan's arms tightened around him. "What was?"

"I… with Toby. Don't quite know why, but… I just wanted to… give in to him, I guess. It was hot in the moment, but…"

Jan was silent for a long moment. "But?"

"I don't know. Is that how you feel with Paulo? Like you want to just let him do anything he likes to you?"

"To a certain extent, yes," Jan answered thoughtfully. "That's not the only reason I do it, but it's part of it."

Dries shifted against him uncomfortably. "I'm not sure I want to feel like that," he admitted. "It's not… it didn't feel like _me."_

He felt Jan's lips on his head, felt Jan's deep breath ruffle his hair. "You know Toby wouldn't want you to do anything you don't want to do," he offered finally.

"I know. I'm just not sure I like it, _wanting_ to give up that much to anyone, you know?"

Jan nodded silently, one of his hands stroking softly up and down Dries's arm.

They were quiet for a while after that, leaving Dries to turn it over and over in his mind. Oh, fucking Toby had been an incredible experience, and he was full of hope that their friendship was on the mend now as well, but he couldn't shake the feeling that it was an experience he could only handle in small doses, if at all.

Still, he couldn't be sorry it had happened, he thought, his eyes flicking to Toby's peaceful, sleeping face. He hadn't been lying when he had told Toby how much he was loved, and if this was enough to help things improve between them, then it would all be worthwhile.

**Author's Note:**

> Song title is from _Contact High by Archeticture in Helsinki (suggested by the always amazing ayerlind 😘)_


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